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Mar 2, 2004
When I look to the sky.....
So, okay today I had to been in to work at noon which I totally did not know that I had to do. Which meant that I slept until noon after I dropped off my brother and sister. Anyways, so okay I was thinking today about what a teacher of mine once told me. She said that if you take the a picture and match the right side of your face up with the right side of your face (meaning flip or whatever just make it into a whole face) That you wouldn't look like the same person. Which I always thought that was kind of odd to me. Anyways this led me to sit in front of the mirror for awhile tonight just starting at my face, because I always thought that the human face was semitrical. But its not there are so many things on the human face. But I have learned that you can learn alot about people just by there face.
Well I am working on my last week at Subway, (sob) I will miss it but I can't wait to move on. Maybe after I get done with nursing and I have published my novel I will return. Actually pry not because it won't be the same. I don't know what I will do. I haven't heard from Brandon in like two days which makes me worry about him a little but I guess I just have to hope that he is okay.
I went to see Mel Gibson's "The Passion of Jesus Christ," it was so incredably amazing. You know I was never "into" religon or God when I was younger. I use to see God as somthing only the hopless hung onto when they had nothing left. Which is one of the reasons why he is there. Sombody had to create us we did not just grow from bacteria in the ground, because if that were the case we would have the missing link in Darwins theory. I never use to pray but now I seem to do it all the time, and it seems that if I ask for help from the Holy spirit that I can do what ever it is that I am setting out to accomplish and it is the coolest thing. There is nothing wrong in believing that there is a God out there. And I don't care in what form of religion that it is done in there is a God out there. And if you just try to listen to him he will answer. Well that is enough of the soap box for one night.
I love each and everyone of you, even if you are that irrate woman that threw a fit in my store b/c I couldn't break a 50.
Posted at 11:55 pm by Ashmo
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Mar 1, 2004
What in the hell happened to me?!
Hey ya'll, so tonight I guess I went of one my own little tangent. big surprise right? Well anyways I was talking about how Teresa screwed me over. Well anyways my co-worker told me that from what it sounds like that Tommy and I are ment to be together. Which I am a little skeptical but it is always in the recesses of my mind ya know.
Well this week in bible study we were talking about soulties which maybe that is what I have with Tommy and somthing I need to break but then again I am not really sure. But I am starting this Eljiah house healing to help me get through some of my emotions with the help of the holy spirit. I am not religous but spritual.
Well everyone is Imin me so Im gonna jet
Posted at 11:21 pm by Ashmo
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Feb 27, 2004
I hear blue birds, nothing but blue birds do I hear.
Well okay I was hoping to get back to the computer a lot sooner than this but oh well. Anyways I got the job at the hosptial that I wanted. This means I will be leaving my job at subway, which makes me a whole lot sadder than I will ever lead on.
I went to a club with my cousin last night, and Teresa and Josh were there. I was like omg, it was nice to get to see some old friends though. And Josh was like how come you haven't called me yet (which I told him I would) I know that nothing good will come out of it. But maybe it will one will just never know. But the club was fun, and my cousin was trying to set me up with her boyfriends friend, I was like dude I have a b/f even if we are having some minor problems that is alright.
I have been in two car accidents this week, the first I pulled out in front of somone, and wrecked my grandparnets pickup, the second I slid on ice, and went into a ditch. well I am going to get going now. Lots of love.
Posted at 12:20 am by Ashmo
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Feb 21, 2004
I see blue skies, nothing but blue skies do I see
Hello, sorry about the last entry I was feel just a tad down. Anyways, yeah yesterday I had a job interveiw for a job at the hospital. I am very excited, but I don't think that I will get the job which will make me very upset. Not that I don't like my job at subway, but I am just ready to move on before it changes anymore. I mean working there was so theraputic but now with all of the changing going on I am beginning to get stressed out.
I am thinking about contacting my dad, but I am not sure if it will really be a good idea. I am going to go and finish cleaning my room. I will hopfully get back to write more later.
Posted at 04:20 pm by Ashmo
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Feb 20, 2004
What a beautiful mask I wear
Today I realized how alone I feel on the inside. I was talking about my upcoming Birthday, and I was trying to think on how I would like to spend the day. Well the only thing that I could remember was how I used to spend my birthdays with my closest friends. I would have these three people parties with Jenna and Teresa. We would stay up all night playing pictionary, and truth or dare making each other eat only God knows what. With me and Teresa bearly on speaking terms, and Jenna living in another State I decided it would be best for me to skip the celebrations this year and spend the being of my last year as a teenage in complete seclusion. So start wedensday March 10 through sunday March 14 I am planning on just shutting myself up away from the world, just incase anyone needed to get ahold of me too bad I will talk to you march 15.
Well it was after this last decison that I started to wonder what would have happened had I not cheated on Tom. I mean yes a lot of good things have happened but I wonder if it all had happened for the wrong reason. The other thing I feel awful thinking about Tommy so much when I have Brandon. But I seem to be in this stand still place with getting over Tom (I don't know why) somtimes I wished that things would have been different, other times i am so happy they worked out the way in which they did. But no matter how hard I try the only think that I can hear in my sleep anymore is "All I ever did was love you, and that wasn't enough for you." This leads me to be so scared of Brandon, I am so afraid that I am going to hurt him like I have hurt Tom. I hate feeling this way but I just don't know what to do anymore. Why does love have to hurt so much? (which it does, I have actually have experinced physical pain in my chest from my feelings) I use to be fearless when it comes to this type of stuff but now well not so much. It was like the first night that Brandon and I acted like more than friends, as Shawn likes to say we were having hand sex. At anyrate, Brandon and were laying next to eachother and our noses were almost touching at on point, never in my life have I been so afraid that I was going to get kissed. I was actually scared of kissing, what the hell is up with that? Oh yeah I and I am slowly learning the reprocussions of taking diet pills, and antifreeze. My heart is so fucked up that I have to be on medication to keep my blood pressure at on level. (Somtimes I think it would have been easier to have walked myself into the lake and fell asleep.
I am beginning to feel like a puppy, that people really just keep around to play with every once and awhile, while most of the time I just wait around for scraps of food, just to live. Not that I really want to die anymore I am just saying. I can't figure out my problem, maybe I have just been burned one too many times, by everyone. I am not stupid (well at least I don't think that I am) I am tired of people looking at me and thinking I am just a little girl, and I have so much left to learn. And I am tired of being "saved" from everything that I want to do. I just want to leave all of this behind somtimes, and start over fresh. But I know that I would have to come back oneday and both worlds would meet, and then there would be nothing left for me to do but runaway and start life over a third time. Yet I have to think what really would be the point of starting all over I would still be alone, "friends" would still use me, and men like Dave (more about him later) would still get away with doing what they want with you and tossing you to the side, and Love no matter how unconditonally you would give it would still hurt. I just want my turn to stand out, for once I want my family to notice me not for the past that comes with me, but the person I am from it. I want friends, who want me more than just a shoulder to cry on. I want to be surrounded by people who care about me for me, not what I do or how I look. But most of all I want compaionship and love from somone (guy or girl) who just wants to be with me (not in me :-P)
Posted at 02:10 am by Ashmo
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Feb 17, 2004
Well today I was at home almost all day - I had to leave to go see the quack I mean doctor.
Although I did learn quite a few things today though, like I always knew that grandma chicken terazini was not as great as everyone makes it out to be but it is really nasty on the return trip, and I have sworn it off for the rest of my natural born life. And a funny think happens while you wait for cold medicines to kick in you say some of the weridest things like "I lost my kibbles and all I could find were bits."
Well anyrate I was taking to my cousin today, and she has been trying to teach how to paint chinse symbols, but I think it may be a lost cause. Then we were talking about my lastest flame, being 16 and as far as I am conrcerned "jail bait" which I told her that wasn't fair at all. And I see nothing wrong with dating a guy younger than me. And as far as age is concerned I don't care. I mean my best friend is like 37, So has far as basing relationships off of age I really don't see any point. As long as I am on the subject of my boyfriend, who I think is just an absolute sweetie. You know I have been taking a lot of grief from my parents and other family members about his age well duh I just said a ll that up above. You know I am not new to the whole world of dating, and he wasn't the only guy I had to choose from, but he was definatly the nicest of them all, and the one who treated like I feel that I should be treated. I mean yeah it has been a rocky start but I think that we are still just trying to firgure each other out. But Deb says this is the first time that she says I just look elagant, and that I haven't smiled this much in ages. I mean after jerks like baker, and dave who could blame me? Besides he brought me flowers and candy to work on valentines day, and helped my neighbors move furinture into their computer room the first day he met them. Talk about earning brownie points!
Well at anyrate Daria will be on soon so I am gonna jet.
Posted at 11:45 pm by Ashmo
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